Dan Kickasses

this manly bastard is one, manly as fuck, son of a bitch. and did we mention he's manly?

Daniel Kickasses, or often just called Dan, is a explorer who roams around east searching for action, in more ways than one. He is described as DooM if he was mixed with Crocodile Dundee; Chuck Norris; and Indiana Jones DNA. Known for his awesomeness, he wander around exploring crypts or the local women. A former friend of Dustin Ashgaurd he has enough funds to carry out his adventures without worry of getting stuck in one place for too long.


Born on mount kill-a-man-jaroa he was given scotch moments after birth, and chugged the full bottle, before cleaning himself off, and telling his parents that it is about time to go to a hospital seeing as "You just gave birth to a kid who chugs scotch and is able to talk." His father fainted.

EARLY LIFE [5-21]Edit

Dan spent his childhood protecting kids. Whenever a bully popped up in town, Dan bullied him, and if the Bully's father wanted Dan to apologize, Dan simply kicked his ass and told him to raise a better child. For someone in search of action, Dan explored outside very often. Going into the pedophile filled woods, or under the bridge with homeless junkies, Dan always can back with bloody fists, about 200 dollars, and a few dozen or so more teeth for the matching necklaces he made for his family members. He usually used wisdom teeth.

Dan when going into his teenage years used some drugs, mainly hitting a bong every now and then, or drinking a few more scotch bottles which he made a glass sword from melting them. He then discovered girls are attractive, to which he developed his charm using some spy movies and Gentleman's Monthly magazine. Not long after, he became notorious as a womanizer, and often had mutiple relationships at once. His record is 12.


After he was old enough to get a job, he went to work for burger king. After becoming the manager at his burger king a month later, he managed to save enough for a plane ticket after about 1 year. The longest he stayed in one job. He then got a plane ticket to africa to kill lions with his fists. A very entertaining show to the locals, who paid him in crop and shelter. He then walked to egypt to sell many crops he had stashed away and kept fresh.

He had now gotten enough to buy a camel, which he then gave to the village that helped him survive, they were very greatful. He then set off for Spain, where he would meet his wife Corella and they would have a daughter named Kristy.

AROUND THE EASTERN WORLD: Spain and Italy [23]Edit

Dan had now decided to live in spain for a short time. 3 months. Now that Corella was pregnant he had to protect her. So he had traveled everywhere with her and made certain she was safe. Now that he was certain he could keep her safe, he got a job at a car dealership, where he then became manager of. When Dustin Ashguard heard of a explorer in the Eastern world, Dustin requested him to visit at Italy where Ashguard was living at since retirment. Now that Ashgaurd had everything he needed in life, he asked Dan if he wanted his retirment funds, which were roughly 5,000 dollars a week, every week for the next 60 years. He knew he could not give up a chance like this, and taken the offer imeadiately.

Now he set off to the ruins of Rome via plane.

Latin investigation begins [25]Edit

Now in the Ruins of Rome he investigated the old culture of Latin.

He discovered many links to modern day culture, as well a shocking bit of information . . . .

The Latino's had gods. Roughly 7. This helped craft christianity which soon over thrown this culture, making the god become deemed as "sins". After looking in ancient scribes he found in a cave, he discovered the gods were planning on coming back one day. As such, he looked for how they plan on it since such a thing was unheard of.

He managed to dig up information on a sort of "sword" giving the weilder the ability to use the weapon they are best with upon weilding it.He then set out to find this if it was tghe last thing he ever did. He continued his research via buying the books from the Ministry he heard about, and was able to take notes while he was exploring the Roman Wasteland which was now either vast jungle, or tombs, from the war.

He discovered a certain tomb in which a pedastol stood. Ontop of it was a single gem. Purple, and shining, he figured it was a religeous item. So . . . he took it. Upon grabbing the Crystal, it formed into a war axe fit for a true fighter. He handed it to his wife and it became a throing knife, chained to her wrist. When opening the cuff on her wrist it was a ordinary Crystal again.

Truely this was what the gods would use as the tool for return. Somehow he knew he was needed for it aswell.

Another Kid on the wagon [27]Edit

Corella became pregnant once more and Dan was very excited.

Not because of the kid, but because he was getting close to finding where the original Latin temple of the gods was, in order for him to build a museum in honor of them, so people would never forget.

Upon entering the ruins of the temple, he traveled deep into it, looking for any important glyphs. When only finding a latin warning, he went back to his wife, who had suddenly went into labor. Sadly, while she was in labor, old latin Priests began coming back to life, hungry for their flesh. Daniel would not allow that and equipped the axe. After a few gruesome scenes of flesh and bone being ripped to peices, Dan goes back to his wife and finishes the birth. They had a Baby Boy.

Daniel was now distracted with killing mobsters who followed them into the temple. He made his wife hide with their child and the crystal. Dan held his hands in the air and stayed very still, machine guns aiming at him.

Then with a sudden bolt of speed he rushed into one of them, tearing his throat out and flinging the blood into the others face. He then began beating the living hell out of him using his bear hands, and shattered the man's fist under his foot. Now looking at their leader, intents of killing in his eyes.

The leader dropped his pistol fearfully. Dan began walking away when suddenly a shot fired- hitting Dan in his back knocking him down. Dan rose back to his feet, blood gushing from the wound, and rammed his head through the leader's intrails like a spoon going in jello.Dan pulled the man off his head, and went to Corella telling her it is time to head home.

After going to their plane finding their pilot dead, Dan recovers the pilot's dog tags respectfully and gives it to his child. Naming him after the pilot respectfully. Now as he got inside the cockpit, he helped his wife up too. Once safely inside, Dan started the plane and took off going back to Spain.


Now in india, he had a nice, quiet place to study.

Just kidding, he went there to beat the hell out of fighters.

Little did he know that his 7 year old daughter had tagged along by hiding in his golf clubs. While he scoulded her for a short time [5 minutes] he then decided to teach her many things her learned with his adventuring. After about 7 hours of talking, they decided to get food.

After lunch he continued teaching her more and more until she knew all of his adventuring tactics.

Now that Kristy was tired, he put her to bed and went out to punch the door man. Not because he didnt like him, he just wanted a nice tussle. Afterwards her paid the door man $500 for the fight. The door man thanked him and kept in touch incase he ever needed a friend.

He continued raising Kristy in India teaching her all he knew about the Latin Gods and Culture, and she soon helped take up his work. Now with 2 people doing research he had no reason to worry. So he earned his money in fight clubs under the name of Knuck Norris.


Dan currently lives in China fighting people for a living in fight clubs. He still goes under Knuck Norris, and is currently single do to his wife leaving him from her addiction to anti depressants. He plans on returning to America soon to see how his son has been for the last 23 years.

Back to that place Called uh...Ah...Ahm...Amer...AMERICA! yeah. [45]Edit

Now in America again after a good...24 years, He decides to visit his Son in Shay City Arizona, only to be greeted by a punch in the face and a chilled bottle of scotch . . . Also to the face.

Dan burned his wounds shut using a torch and then snapped his son's pinkey finger into his wrist before putting it back just as painfully and fast. He was then there when his Son broke off connection with Julia. Now with a crying jungle girl with such a sweet personality, Dan decided to be a dad.

He beat the crap out of his son using his fists, and nearly killed him.

DooM needed a ambulance for his internal and external bleeding.

Dan then decided to cheer up Julia doing the one thing he KNEW would always work. He had Julia cleaned up, he then wrapped her in warm comfy blankets and read her a story holding her close and petting her. He then got some alchohol in her and let her play with austrailian shepard puppies, his dog Bruce breeds. Julia needless to say, was happy again. Even after getting her heart broken, because when it is Dan trying to cheer you up, you know you cant be sad. As proven by science.


He is taller and stronger looking than his son, and very tan. He can be mistaken for a Arab at times do to his skin color and beard. He stands 6'7 feet tall and has more of a buzz cut style of DooM's hair.

He is a little more than moderate in muscular appearance. He wears a tanktop under a unbuttoned dress shirt and wears kahki pants, ironic considering he is a adventurer and will probably get dirty in his working conditions.

He wears brown hiking shoes for really keeping his balance when on thin platforms.

Dan is seen wearing reading glasses when looking over his documents on the Latin Culture; Skull Sword; and Latin Gods. He can also be found wearing a bandanna around his neck usually black.

His Hair is actually darker than his son's.

His eyes are a darker Green aswell.


He is very outgoing and courageous. Often being the first into a problem, and the last out.

After spending such a long time away from his son, he thinks it is a touchy subject and is often seen writing letters to him. Not knowing that he has the address wrong for the last 23 years.

Daniel is a very protective man, often telling women to hide when he encounters a problem. If he thinks the situation is not much of a threat however- he will allow a woman to fight by his side.

He doesnt support communism or socialism saying that a democratic way of life is one a person wants to choose. As such he can be patriotic when it comes to who is with what.

Dan will often be the man in charge in his opinion. Frequently giving orders, some of which actually useful.

He is the "Alpha male" in groups of people. Protecting the weaker people as much as he can.


  • His son: Exact wording: "Man son, you need to really lighten up, Kristy, and I are not easy to get in one place, and this is the first time I have seen you since...Scratch that. So stop being a pansy and be a chip off the old block, so lets go get a drink." He thinks his son is not manly do to his lack of parenting.
  • His Daughter: He is very close to Kristy. He raised her since she was 7, and actually became a sort of teacher to her when it came to exploring and philosophy. He helped her through her studdies and she is now continuing his work on Latin Culture, discovering DooM being the Prophecy Child. He is proud of her success and would not mind if she carried his work on after he dies.
  • Daxton: "Aye ya buddy, I heard you an my son were long friends....You make him a pansy?" He really does not know what to think of Daxton. A man who owns many Cafes and is actually successful, hanging with...well...His son. He never expects much from his son, and Daxton is a prime example of what he wont expect. Success in life.
  • NFA: He visited the Video store one time to go buy Thomas the Tank the single goriest and vulgar action film known in the history of time and space, so gruesome it can cause vietnam flashbacks in toddlers. He did not really make small talk and personally just thinks NFA is another one of those Hippies getting as much money as he can with his jobs. Not very useful in a fight basically.
  • Ronn: He never thinks much of Ronn. But he respects him. A honest working man, breeding Kreeps as house pets from families. If Ronn ever wants, he can go drinking with Dan anytime.
  • Julia: A nice looking Jungle girl with a joyful personality. She just needs a good parental figure to teach her right from wrong though. Dan is more than willing to step up and guide her on the way of life making sure she doesnt crash and burn nlike his dick of a son.
  • Raku: Dan thinks Raku is a great drinking buddy, but cant find the time to tussle, since many problems spring up in the mean time. So instead, he just drinks and watches movies with Raku and company. But if he could, he would find the time to fight Raku.


  • He doesnt know his son died 4 times.
  • He doesnt know he is a grand father.
  • The closest he is to someone is his Daughter Kristy who he taught about adventuring.
  • He speaks in a mixed accent of Roman and English.
  • Dan thinks life decended from the latin gods themselves. His family from the God of riches and the God of life. [greed and lust being the most common sins in his family]
  • Dan is as strong as Raku, and twice as sane.
  • Dan once fought a druid over tickets to a concert.
    • Spirit approves.
  • Dan has never met either of his son's love interests, or his grand children either. As such he still thinks his son is a virgin, and he is not a grand dad.
  • His son wants to punch him in the face.
    • His brother was already punched by his son.
  • Dan can browse the internet using his fist.
    • No one knows how he does this.
      • Those who dont believe him end up going through a computer head first.
        • Then he throws them into the tv next.
          • Are you sure you dont believe him now?
            • Into the dish washer next.
              • Better stop doubting him now.
                • He warned you.
                  • Now into the ceiling fan.
                    • Just give up and say you believe him.
                      • No?
                        • Alright, into the oven...
  • Dan drinks at least one bottle of scotch every night.
  • Dan's liver is invincible due to the amount he drinks.
  • He can rip out wisdom teeth using his bare hands.
  • When he was 12 he beat up a total of 26 fathers ranging between 23 to 39 years old.
  • He can read latin, roman, and chinese.
    • He cn speak Latin, Roman, Dutch, and 3 african lauguages, egyptian being one of them.
  • It takes him 99 seconds to count to 100.
    • And only 98 to bang someone.
  • Raku thinks he is awesome.
  • Dan has been selling Austrailian shepards for the last 20 years with his Dog bruce, who he keeps healthy by feeding his dog healthy foods, like Chickens, Pansies, and making him drink scotch, along with a healthy excercise diet of medicince Ball frisbee.